I Cry In The Bathroom

Posted · 11 Comments

I write these sad stories about my kids…about their survival and their trials. About their successes.  And my readers cry out, “Good job, mom!”…or… “Where would they be without you?”

And I’ll accept the compliments with one raised eyebrow as I think, “They did it despite my failures half the time…”  But I acknowledge my part… I’ll take that pat on the back.  I work hard.  I like the recognition…I’m not gonna lie. Who wouldn’t?

But at the end of the day…and sometime smack dab in the middle of the day… I feel like curling up in the corner and sucking my thumb until it all goes away.

I stomp my foot when I get frustrated.

I lose my temper and say things I shouldn’t.

I slam doors.

I once threw a clay turtle in frustration…and ironically, broke the turtle tank.  That’ll teach me.

I mostly ‘wing it’ and hope for the best, then do it differently next time…and hope for the best again.  Sometimes, it works out.  Sometimes it doesn’t.

And sometimes…I cry in the bathroom.

Sometimes I just want to be left alone.  I hide inside my room and wonder why I’ve never put a lock on my bedroom door.  And when I hear those little footsteps clomping down the hall…sometimes I cringe in expectation of the impending tiny knock, knock, knock and the questions that will follow when I crack my door and say, “WHAT?” for eighteenth time that hour.

And inevitably, there stands a dimple faced child holding an, “I made this for you” drawing of a truck, or a dog…or dinosaur…nobody can tell for sure…and I wipe my face, suck it up, and be the mom.  Because if I don’t…who will?

I’m guessing I’m not alone.

As long as we all have our breakdowns in private…curled up in the tub if that’s what it takes…and the kids never know how close to the brink they’ve driven us…and at the end of the day they all have their heads on straight and nobody goes to bed mad…we’ve survived.

And some days…that’s all that we can ask.

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11 Responses to "I Cry In The Bathroom"
  1. Jenny Ballard says:

    We most certainly do!

  2. lynn Satoren says:

    I spent many a night crying in the shower,sobbing !Thinking how hard it is ,if I was ruining them .It was my time, none knew .then the prob could be washed away. Then I was ready to role with the punches all the punches life gives you!!!!!!! Some how you survive! You just have to.

  3. While I only had three kids, not a battalion, I know exactly what you’re talking about. My son is autistic, high functioning, but autistic nonetheless….and always (ALWAYS) sharing what he sees, hears and experiences. He can ‘interrupt’ me fifty times in ten minutes, depending on how affected he is by whatever he’s talking about…as in walk away/come back, walk away/come back. It can be very frustrating, and I’ll often have to work hard to keep my tone pleasant.

    No parent is perfect. We get annoyed, frustrated, angry…and certain times are worse than others (think PMS). Yes we survive them, usually by the ‘skin of our teeth,’ as my grandfather would have said.

    But I think we can judge our success as parents based on our children. Yours seem to be happy (more often than not), intelligent, hard working, creative, and resourceful. You’re doing a good job. Crying in the bathroom and hiding out in the bedroom is part of the reason you are doing so well as a mother. We all need time alone, to vent, cry…and even feel sorry for ourselves. 🙂

  4. Laurel says:

    FYI – Every mom “wings it” and cries in the bathroom. We are super heroes in our own right, but only see ourselves as mediocre. Thank God our kids see us for who we are . . . Moms! :o)

  5. Kelly Ruland says:

    I am also an foster/adopt mom. I know the stories you are talking about. I have been on this road for a short time. My boys have been home 14 months. I also have an 18 month old recently placed in our home and there are days I cry. I cry a lot. There are a lot of people who just don’t understand that raising survivors is a very hard job. It is so different then raising the ones you have had from birth. I thank you for this post. It lets me know I am not alone because there are days I feel like I am. I am just glad I am not the only one that wonders why at times but the answer to that is because they ARE MY children.

  6. Rachel says:

    Sometimes I cry in the bathroom, sometimes in the car, sometimes on a walk. Being a mom is HARD. You are amazing though,. The thing is you are doing what nobody else would do for them…..loving them. Just cause you make mistakes and yell and swear every once in awhile does not change the fact that you love them, and when the day is done you are still there. I guess that is the same in my own family, minus 6 kids and some serious baggage. Okay, I guess your job is harder 🙂 I would say you definitely deserve a good cry whenever you damn well need one. Your blog has been so inspiring for me to read, I have been quietly reading for awhile now. Thank you for just being you!

  7. Karen says:

    All of us Mothers make mistakes , some work out , some don’t and we have regrets but despite it all, hopefully our kids turn out great , some take a little more work but it is ok. So by all means pat yourself on the back because with all you have in your hands YOU are doing just fine 🙂 and personally I think you are doing amazing. And you have to think this … no matter what your mistakes and believe me they are the same things we all do . Your kids are so lucky to have you for a Mom and they ARE much better off with YOU as a Mom! And it IS ok to cry 🙂

  8. Jan Wilberg says:

    No kidding! And thank you! It’s really tempting for us adoptive parents to lap up the “you’re so wonderful to take these children” which, of course, I did/do. But we know the other part of it, too. It’s a whole experience — the good, bad and the ugly – that makes it worthwhile. Loved the piece/love your writing.

  9. Denise says:

    I only have one daughter (16 months) and I often feel like hiding in the bathroom and crying it out at the end of the day. my husband usually gets home at 4 and by then I’m jumping at the chance for a moment to breathe by myself for a minute. I have no idea how you do it with all of your kids and their unique needs.

    however, soon, my husband and I are switching roles (best financial decision for our family) and I’m going to be working and he will be the stay at home parent. and I know that I am going to be want to cry at the end of the day for all of the moments I’ll be missing.

    so…from a young mom, I’d say enjoy every moment that you can and cry for your sanity when the opportunity presents itself.

  10. Delphine says:

    Wow. Thank you for writing this. As a Mom of 4, two of which have ASD, I feel just like this. So thankful for your honesty and keeping it real. <3

  11. Karla says:

    The more I read the more I like and admire you. I think we may be kindred spririts. Your amazing, pat yourself on the back!!

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