The Backwoods

Where we teeter between our love of modern convenience and the yearning for something long past; a world where neighbors knew your name and a “Friend Request” was eye contact and a smile.

Robin Wonders

Posted · 3 Comments

I rarely talk with my long term kids about their early childhood in front of the other kids.  For some reason I’ve always hesitated…I didn’t really know why.  But one day I told the story of when Mya was a toddler and she was afraid of the moon outside her bedroom window.  We all had a good laugh…and then, when the car fell silent, Robin quietly said, “I wish I knew if I was afraid of the moon.”  
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I don’t know anything about me.  It would be nice to know things like that…if I was afraid of the moon.” And then it struck me…one of the many things kids in care miss out on…evidence of their childhood.  And so I wrote this about how I think she must feel.

Robin Wonders

My mama says to her daughter, ‘you were afraid of the moon. You used to hide and cuddle if you’d see it from your room.’

I look up at the mama, who doesn’t look like me. My sister who is darker, my daddy just like she

I wonder, in my quiet way…was I afraid of the moon? Did I run to my first mama, when I saw it from my room?

Did I hide beneath my blankets; or boldly push them back? Was I chubby, was I scrawny, did I crawl into a walk?

Did my mommy hold me tight against her chest and fall asleep…Does she miss me? Did she want me? Does she ever…look…back?

Do I have a little brother or a sister just like me? When she holds them does she push me from her painful memory?

Or does she never think about the blond haired girl; as tho…I’m just a cold dark place…she never dares to go.

Did she fly in a tornado, to a far and distant land…where mommies sometimes go if they cannot take a stand?

Did she release me when she left, and gave me to my mom? Did she know I’d be so happy? Did she know she could be wrong?

I love her just for being, and for giving me a life. And I hate her for what she wasn’t…what she isn’t…is that right?

Can I have these fighting feelings, twisted in my heart and still be healing slowly…can I long for her at night?

I have a mom and daddy in this new and faithful home. I’ve brothers and I’ve sisters who love me like their own.

I wonder if it’s right sometimes to feel the way I do. To wish I knew those little things that mommy’s only knew….

Is it okay to wonder…I want to know this too…Was I loved…am I remembered….was I afraid of the moon?

 
 
3 Responses to "Robin Wonders"
  1. JustaMom says:

    Beautiful. She is lucky to have you for a Mom. Her biological womb gave you and Riley such a precious gift . I have 3 kids, their bio Dad left when the youngest was 2 weeks old. ” I just can’t do this anymore” said nonchalantly . No drug or alcohol addictions behind it….just….didn’t want to do it. Hence my journey through the dark paths of abandonment with my own children. I lived through so many versions of the stories you’ve written and have heard so many of the same questions through teary little faces. Now at 25 , 23 and 21….they are finding their places in this world . There are still times , though, through teary grown faces, some of those same questions are asked. I just try to love them through it …and then love them a lil more.

  2. Shadows Pale says:

    After reading that, it feels s if someone had a go at my heart with sand paper. So beautiful and yet so agonizingly hurtful. I love kids but I know I wouldn’t have made a good foster mother. I am forever saying and doing the wrong thing with my son. I can’t imagine the damage I might have caused to a child with special needs.

    Some people should never have kids but others were born to be parents and you are one of them. Your insight to their needs is awe inspiring. The way you rise up to meet each new challenge is humbling. I know why you do it but not how. You have something in side that I don’t. Something that lets you see inside a child and know what he or she needs. I envy you that.

    I followed a link given by my cousin who also lives in Alaska and I have not stopped crying since; each post has moved me beyond words. When I read this you made me wish more than ever I could be the person you are. I wish more than ever that i could be the person you are and maybe, just maybe, be able to answer even one of these questions for child seeking an answer.

    • Careful who you put on a pedestal…I might fall off with a very slight breeze! Keep in mind…I CHOOSE what to share. I rarely tell the world about my worst mistakes…and they are many. But I do appreciate the kind words…so nice. I’m sure, since you are able to recognize what needs to happen, that it is in you and you are most likely far more giving and able than you realize. Remember, every single day I doubt myself…and yet I seem to be doing okay. Most likely, you doubt yourself and yet are doing just fine. Does that make sense? I feel like I’m rambling…haha

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