I’ve not had television channels for eight years. I know…weird. So when my friend Jessica, who gained some notoriety a while back as Sarah Palin’s hairdresser, called and said a major network was going to be filming a reality television show in her Beehive Beauty Shop, in Wasilla, Alaska, I’m not gonna lie…my initial reaction was, “Huh? Why would anyone want to watch that?”
Last time I had channels, Seinfeld reruns were the biggest thing out there and Friends had just come to a close. The reality t.v. kick had barely begun. Those of you who watch t.v. have no idea how many conversations we non-viewers are left out of. I just smile and nod, smile and nod…
A few years ago on a school fieldtrip my daughter was the only first grader looking at the Time Bandit from Deadliest Catch and thinking, “Yep, it’s a boat…” SO last week Destini and I swung into the Homer dock and took a picture of the big old girl. I figure even though I’ve only see the show once, in a hotel room, it was pretty cool to see it docked right here at home.
So to clear up my confusion on the topic, Jessica and our mutual friend, Shelia, hooked me up with a website where I could watch some reality t.v. right on my laptop. I waited until all my many kids had gone to bed, curled up in a blanket with a skinny white mocha and clicked PLAY. (okay, it wasn’t really skinny…)
First I watched Ice Road Truckers, because my husband actually does that for a living 6 months of the year. He assures me his life at work is actually way more pathetic than the show portrays. Got to see my buddy Ron on there, proving they will put anyone on television. (kidding, Ron) I like the way the camera sways back and forth as they drive, as if the roads are just…that…treacherous…and they are all going to plummet to their death through seventeen feet of solid ice any moment. When they got the truck stuck on an icy hill, my ten year old walks in and says, “Why didn’t they just chain up?” Yep. I enjoyed Lisa Kelly though. She’s hot and almost as cool as I am. I think we could hang out.
Then I came across a show called Sixteen And Pregnant. Seriously. I was pregnant when I was sixteen and I assure you, it was not entertaining in the least. It sucked. I was also slightly offended…as a reformed teenage mother myself…at just how stupid these girls are. I truly hope I wasn’t that idiotic…then again, I got myself knocked up at sixteen so how bright could I have been? Reality check…reality shows don’t lie. If you are sixteen and pregnant, you are probably an idiot…especially if you let the whole world view you in all your live stupidity. And let’s face it, millions of people tune in. Brilliant, producers…brilliant.
I clicked through and found some really amazing cake decorating shows, which sent me to the fridge for that can of frosting leftover from a March birthday… (how is that still in there?) There was a show about a guy who logs trees in a swamp…hey, I just did that two days ago! There was one called Little People, Big World which was freakishly entertaining. I found myself wanting to adopt them.
Then there was a whole slew of shows about people giving birth; people getting married; people with even more kids than I have; people who spoil their kids beyond belief until they have to call in some Mary Poppins wannabe who magically cures their children even though she has no lovable qualities at all; and even a show about a guy who owns a pawn shop. The pawn shop guy looked like he’d been shooting up just moments before the camera rolled. But people watch anyway!
And after seeing what people are watching each night as they cuddle with their kids and bond, I realized turning off the television access was probably the best thing I ever did for my kids. However…there are a few networks out there offering some darn good programming. Things I could learn from. Things I could use as tools to teach my children what NOT to do…role models in reverse, if you will.
I may just hook up the old satellite this winter, when the midnight sun fades to darkness and all that summer fun moves into winter blues. I’ll watch Jessica in her salon, fluffing up peoples hair and lifting their spirits with her witty banter. I’ll learn how to decorate a cake. I’ll fantasize about my next wedding. I’ll watch that swamp logger guy just to get pointers. I’ll curl up on the couch, settle in for the winter, and see what’s new with those adorable little people and their great big world.
